With all of the super hero movies that have come out recently, I think our community should have its own dynamic duo – Spankman and Bratgirl.
Spankman, our caped champion with a red palm print emblazoned on the chest of his form fitting dark suit, is always on the lookout for mischief and mayhem. He is prepared to put an immediate stop to any naughtiness with a tool belt equipped with a hairbrush, small leather paddle, and a wooden spoon. Not that he really needs all of those toys, Spankman’s rugged, tireless hand is enough to conjure a million apologies from the smuggest miscreant and the tool belt itself can always be removed and used as a leather strap. You see, that’s why our hero’s suit is so form fitting. It would not be proper if he lost his own pants while tending to someone else’s backside.
Spankman likes order, politeness, and adherence to rules and safety laws. He is firm but fair and is known to extract guilty confessions from wrongdoers just by giving them a stern look. Some say he has powerful truth serum lasers that shoot from his eyes, but that may just be a rumor. He can show up anywhere as there is mischief found everyplace from tiny towns to big cities, but during his downtime, he enjoys snacking on Nutter Butters (he says the cookies’ shape remind him of small paddles) and watching Judge Judy.
The world needs balance of course and with Spankman bringing order and quiet to the land, you have to have another force to interject frivolity and lightheartedness. Enter Bratgirl. She dresses in bright suits but cannot be limited to just one color so she keeps outfits in an array of tones in her wardrobe. All of them feature a large capital “B” on the front though for identification purposes. She does not wear a tool belt but she does carry a satchel stocked with everything she might need to bring fun and innocent mischief to any situation including a water gun, whoopie cushion, silk flower leis, and candy. Yes, candy.
Candy is Bratgirl’s superpower source and gives her so much boundless energy, some say she has even been spotted taking flight. She avoids packing chocolates in her satchel in the summer months though after a disastrous incident in which a caramel chocolate bar left a huge sticky mess all over everything.
Although Bratgirl is very different from Spankman, she is not a villain. We need laughter and smiles as much as order and discipline. She loves to crack jokes, stir up excitement, and share her candy with anyone who’d like some. Bratgirl is very popular with kids and adults alike for this reason. However, she can get carried away with her merriment and sometimes crosses the line.
The time Bratgirl shot the sour, old librarian, Mrs. Humbacher, in the back of the head with a ponytail holder was one such occasion. That bright pink elastic wedged itself deep in Mrs. Humbacher’s tight beehive hairdo and she shrieked at the top of her lungs right there in the middle of the public library. She was convinced there was some sort of large bug now tangled in her locks and ran around demanding someone get it out before it made a nest. Bratgirl was doubled over in a fit of laughter until Spankman stepped out from behind a bookcase having witnessed the whole thing. He quickly escorted our beloved prankster to the office supplies room to have a private word with her. Can you imagine what came next? Let’s just say the “Shhhh, please be quiet” sign was completely ignored and Mrs. Humbacher was seen with a satisfied smirk on her face as she listened at the door.