There were a few comments on the last post that suggested that if a bottom needs to call a safeword during play, it’s an indication of a failure on the part of the top. Speaking as one that had a reputation of being a pretty hard playing bottom, I can say that calling a safeword can feel like an indication of failure on the the part of the top – a sort of not living up to expectations. I wish this wasn’t the perception as I don’t think a safeword is any indication of failure but merely feedback.
We are not psychics and spanking is not an exact science so it can be hard to have a perfect play experience every time. You need to have a way of communicating when a spanking is outside of the relative comfort or safety zone. Even if you have played with a person before, sometimes for any number of reasons (hormones, health status, caffeine intake, pain in other places in the body, lack of sleep, etc) a bottom may not have the pain tolerance they normally do. A top may be playing a little harder than usual without realizing it or be testing out a new toy. The bottom should feel free to use the safeword as needed and not be ashamed and the top should not feel offended if it’s called.
There is one exception to this feedback not failure outlook of mine and that’s when a top starts out a spanking by stating that it’s his or her goal to makethe bottom safeword. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Sorry, but I think that’s a pretty crummy goal and is along the lines of saying “I’m going to break you mentally and intentionally harm you”. That to me is the one time the top is failing in my book before even starting play.
But then how could spanking play that results in an unintended safeword not be a failure? It would be great if somehow it could be communicated within the context of play that a short break or lighter touch is needed to continue, but not everyone wants to set up such an elaborate set of codewords and in some cases, it would detract from the feeling of true punishment. The safeword is therefore selected as the single way to alert the top of a need for immediate stop. The bottom may choose to only call it if they feel they are in danger or beyond what they can take even within the context of discipline.
As a top, I’d rather someone felt comfortable enough to use their safeword and let me know what their particular tolerances are rather than cause either physical harm or causing them to have such an unpleasant experience that they’d never wish to play with me again. As a bottom, I’d want to know that the top’s goal is NOT to try to make me safeword, but that if I need to call a halt to play in order to say I’m not able to take the intensity, have a weak spot of skin that keeps getting hit, or that I am not ok with getting spanked on the thighs or too close to the tailbone, that I’m welcome to. Ifeel safer having that sort of arrangement established and am actually less likely to safeword as I know that my physical well-being is of concern.
So those were my little thoughts inspired by the previous post’s comments. What is your take on the feedback vs failure concept?